AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #567 REVIEW


Don\'t let the head-on shot fool you; this chick has a mullet!After a month-and-a-half of having nothing to call Spider-Man’s new mullet-rocking, eye shadow-abusing villainess besides “Female Kraven,” she finally has an official name: Ana Tatiana Kravinoff. That doesn’t mater, because I’m just going to call her Skittles the Penny Hooker. I gotta make reviewing these fun somehow. Read the full review of Skittles’ First Trick Part 3 and leave a comment so I know you did!

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #567
“Legacy” (Part 3 of “Kraven’s First Hunt”)
WRITER: Marc Guggenheim
BREAKDOWNS: Phil Jimenez
FINISHES: Andy Lanning
COLORS: Chris Chuckry


PLOT:
Spider-Man, looking awkward in Daredevil’s costume, overpowers Vermin and demands he show him where Skittles the Penny Hooker took Vin Gonzales. Spidey finds them and they spend the better part of the book kicking on each other. Vermin shows up to attack Skittles the Penny Hooker and the good guys can slink away. Later, Spider-Man confronts Vin and tells him he put Skittles the Penny Hooker on his trail to guard the ol’ secret ID.
Meanwhile, at Skittles HQ, S.P.H. blubbers while HER MOM tells her how much she resembles her daddy, Sergei Kravinoff.

THOUGHTS:
If you can read this sentence, then you’re un-stunted enough to have guessed she was Kraven’s daughter with one glance at the cover. However, it genuinely surprised me to see her mother, who looks like a certified badass, appear at the end. Let’s see HER in action, and not this twelve-year-old crybaby. I guess this story served a purpose in setting up Kraven’s widow’s dramatic unveiling, but potential for better stories ahead doesn’t make the three issues already out any less unbearable.

Like his young antagonist, Marc Guggenheim plies his craft with an amateur’s incompetence. Raw logic dictates that a character can’t say more in one panel than he could while performing the action depicted therein. So, when, in one flying punch-leap, Spider-Man manages to say all of “Mercy just arrived. Or at least the cavalry. Sorry about the “mercy” joke. That’s not really all that funny, but, y’know, Spider-Man is the witty one. Not to mention more handsome and lovable. I’m actually quite jealous of him.” the reader can’t physically play the scene in his or her mind’s eye. It’s bad comic book writing and Guggenheim does it repeatedly.

A worse mismatch is in the tone. In a sadistically graphic story, Guggenheim’s continual attempts at funniness all fall flat, and he tries oh so hard. An author can appropriately mix humor and darkness on occasion, like in Slott’s Paper Doll story, but I don’t need Spider-Man cracking jokes while blood squirts from his freshly cannibalized shoulder.

This issue bored me. The characters just stand in one place and kick, kick, kick until the big rodent ex machina. I see that Skittles letting her scheme collapse into a brute kicking match illustrates her inexperience, but there are ways to do that without wasting an issue on freaking kicking. I counted 13 panels showing one character kicking or attempting to kick another. If that’s all you need from a comic, then you’ll get a kick out of this one. Otherwise, kick it to the curb.

RATING:
1.5 webheads out of 5. New Ways to Die had better give this series a kick in the pants or else I’ll find some new ways to spend my money.

REVIEWED BY: CrazyChris

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